Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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