highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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