Kareoke will never be a sober sport
tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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