Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
