You're my little dorito
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
So much Jack, so little girl.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
