they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
