I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
