Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
