Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
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