My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
