I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
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