we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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