He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
My cat gives me a boner
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
