you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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