All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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