oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
