WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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