Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
