Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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