On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
