just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
