Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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