ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I just found puke in my bra..
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
