Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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