no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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