just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
His nipple licking is glorious
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