oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
