oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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