You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
