hotel room ftw
No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
