I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
