true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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