mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
