He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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