Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Randomize
