First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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