Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
