Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
