i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
