i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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