she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
