I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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