Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Would the comment "Down Goes Frasier" be too inappropriate at this time?
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