I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
God gave him joint rollers for hands
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
Randomize
