Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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