My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
