i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
