So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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