I seem to have left my pride at pride
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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