Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
