Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
