So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
