Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
